How to Discern: A Few Pointers From A Friend

Within Catholic communities, especially young adult groups, the term discernment gets tossed around a lot. "I'm discerning my vocation", "I'm discerning what job to take", "I'm discerning whether or not I should date that girl". It's our way of telling people that we're really taking our time and putting our prayer and reason into making a decision. We're not just thinking, we're discerning. Often times it brings to mind images of solemn people on their knees in a pew with their heads bowed in prayer waiting to hear the next step. To me it also brings to mind the image of stressing over a decision, one that is life or death. "I'm discerning this, so I better not get it wrong!"

Nowhere, in my experience, is this more true than in the realm of vocational discernment. And why not? If God really has one vocation for me, I want to know where I'm going! And how do I figure that out? I had better think long and hard about it. I really feel like I should get married, or is that just what I want? What does God want? Should I be a priest? I don't really feel like it, but maybe I'm not open enough? How do I get more open? What does open even mean? I want one thing so that must mean that God wants the opposite! That guy on retreat told me that God laughs at our plans, why is he laughing! I don't know what to do! I can't get this wrong! I only have one shot! If I get it wrong my life is ruined!!! AH!! ... Oh hey that girl is pretty, I feel called to date her now.

Sound familiar? Welcome to the mind of many a young Catholic man. We want to know what God wants, but we don't know how to get there. So, instead of really discerning, we just stress ourselves into oblivion. Don't get me wrong. We need to take our time to discern and pray about what God is truly calling us to, and this may take the form of frantic prayer at times, but if we are truly discerning, the Lord is going to guide us. We should be able to find peace and joy in the discernment process. If you 're angry or in turmoil about it, you're probably doing it wrong.

So here are a few pointers from a guy who is also trying to figure his life out. Hopefully they help you along your path of discernment.

- Know What You're Really Ready For- I work for a great priest. He'll remain nameless here, suffice to say that he has helped me on many occasion simply by speaking a few words. Once, when I was 18, I was stressing about what my vocation was supposed to be, and I just had to know. It was like God had a secret that I wasn't in on, and I wanted the scoop. So I asked Father what I should do and how I could know what I was called to. He looked at me for a second before asking, "Do you think you're ready to be married tomorrow?", to which I responded, "Oh gosh, no! I'm only 18!". He laughed and told me, "If you're not ready to commit to a vocation at this moment, you probably don't need to know". And he was right. Guys, don't discern something unless you're really ready to know the answer and ACT on it. The Lord reveal things when we are truly ready, and that includes when we are actually ready to pursue the calling. Often times we just want to know our future vocation for no other reason than to glimpse our future. This is pride gentlemen. Live in the moment, not in the future. If you are not ready in the moment, then you have other things you could be working on.

- One Thing at a Time- All too often, I hear my friends who are in relationships talk about whether or not they are called to be a priest. These are holy guys who just want to follow the Lords plan for their life, but their focus is more on the ends than their current situation. As a result, they end up discerning the wrong thing. If you are in a relationship, it is unfair to your significant other to be discerning another vocation. To discern means putting your energy and focus into one thing to determine whether or not you are called to continue or to abandon that particular endeavor. If you are dating someone, it means that you are discerning whether or not that person is supposed to be your spouse. To have your mind on priesthood while dating her would be unfair. It would be the same as a seminarian who is studying for the priesthood to take a girl out on a date. It simply doesn't work. He would be discerning two vocations at once, which would be unfair to both. He would need to fully apply himself to one in order to see if he was called to it or not. Then he could know whether or not to consider the other. If you are dating someone, consider yourself in the "seminary of her". Put your effort into praying about her, with her, and for her. Get to know her. Find out who she is, what she believes, and why she believes it. What does she hope for? Where is God taking her? Approach your relationship the same way seminarians approach their studies: with awe, humility, and openness. That way, even if you come to the realization that she is not the one, you gave her a fair chance and made an informed decision. Any other way is simply half-hearted commitment.

- Don't Go At It Alone- Often times we think that our discernment is just between us and God. That is simply untrue. In order to fully discern something, you need to talk to other people. Talk to a priest about seminary. Talk to married people about dating. Talk to a monk or sister about novitiate. Notice that I said married people, and not dating or single, and that I said priest, not seminarian. Talk to someone who has sealed the deal! They are the ones who have fully discerned and taken the leap or faith. They have made public vows saying that that have discerned the decision through, and they are living with the results. They know more than your friends! Also, find a spiritual director. A priest, deacon, or religious person who knows you and can offer an honest assessment of how you are doing, and what you should be doing. Let them guide you. Listen to what they have to say. They know more than you! If you allow yourself to be guided by trusted leaders, you will not go astray.

- Pray, Pray, Pray- Let me ask you... how many of the things that you "discern" do you really take to prayer? I'm not talking quick mentions here and there. I mean real prayer. Do you ask questions? Do you allow them to be answered? Do you just talk and talk? Do you even want to know the answers? Every step along the way of discernment should be rooted in prayer. Pray about whether to discern something in the first place. Pray about the next step. Pray about continuing. Pray about concerns. Pray about things that you're excited about. If you are truly called to something, you will notice two things. First, the things that you are called to will stay constant. If you are really meant to do something, the Lord will keep putting the same thing on your heart for a long time. Don't be afraid to take your time. Discernment always yields results just as you need an answer and never sooner. Just take a breath and stop thinking that your vocational discernment is an episode of 24. Secondly, if you are really called to something, you will be at peace about it. It may scare the poo out of you, but it will be peaceful. You will know if it is the right thing. Trust me. Bring prayer into every aspect of discernment, and you will not go wrong. I can promise you that.

I hope this helped to shed some light on some worries you're been having. If you have any questions  feel free to comment below. Otherwise, just remember that our God does not keep secrets. He simply takes his time to reveal his plans. That time may seem like an eternity to us, but we will find out the answers we need when we are ready to hear them. As it says in Jeremiah 29:11 " I know well the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for your woe, so as to give you a future full of hope."

Joseph, model of manhood, pray for us
God, Father in heaven, bless us

The Search for Truth: A Self-Titled Post

I don't think it matters whether you are religious or not. The scene in John's gospel where Pilate interrogates our Lord is a chilling passage. Pilate, the Roman governor of what was considered to be a troublesome province has a beaten and bruised carpenter brought before him. This apparent rabbi is accused of blasphemy and, on the eve of the Sabbath, the Jewish leadership is calling for his execution. Not being one to easily fold to hysteria, Pilate calls this Jesus in for questioning. After a roundabout line of interrogation, Jesus finally says to Pilate, "You say I am a king- for this I was born and for this I came into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who belongs to the truth listens to my voice.", to which Pilate responds, "What is truth?" (John 18:28-38)

Pilate asks, "What is truth?"

Pilate's final question is one that rings with me personally, and in my opinion, it stands as one the great questions of our age. Now, if you have been active in Catholic circles for more than five minutes, you have most likely been told about the relativistic culture of western society and the need for the acknowledgement of objective truths in order define our morality, our spirituality, and our very place in the world. This is true and I could write all about it, but men much smarter than I have taken up the task and it would be presumptuous of me to try and say something that has most likely been pondered and written about my many a scholar.

What I want to write about instead is something under the surface of the debate as to whether or not objective truth exists. I want to discuss why we even care. Why does it matter whether something is true or not? Why, if something is true, do you even have to share it? Finally, if there is truth in this world, how do we find it?

But first, a little background. I am a senior sociology student a George Mason University. I have spent the majority of my undergraduate career studying the various ways in which people socialize, and how those social worlds shape us and our relationships with one another and with society. I can confidently say after 4+ years in college that sociology is a largely liberal science that, in my opinion, tries all too often to fit the world into preconceived theories and worldviews developed by people who are far too interested in their own opinions to really care as to whether or not their theories truly fit. Now, I say this for two reasons. On the one hand, I've just wanted to say that about sociology forever. On the other hand, despite the flaws of its practitioners, I still have faith in sociology as a science, not because of what it has done or achieved, but because of what it seeks. As with any other science, whether it be natural or social, sociology asks the same question that Pilate asked of Jesus: "What is truth?"

You see, human beings are not simply passive creatures. We search for things. We search for love, happiness, companionship, community, fulfillment, and all other manner of seemingly abstract things. But, at the heart of every person and every question lies the desire to know oneself and to know the world one lives in. This is what we commonly call the search for the truth. We want to know fully, and we do not accept answers that we consider to be lies or half-truths. Somehow, we all know that there is a right way to live, and an answer to the question of who we are and how we relate to this world (hey look! I just disproved relativism!). So we reach out. We try to find the answers. We develop systems that lead us to truth and help us to know the answers to our deep and fundamental questions.

This is where all of our various scientific and religious endeavors enter the picture. And yes, I do truly mean both. As the late John Paul II said in his encyclical letter Fides et Ratio, "Faith and reason are like two wings on which the human spirit rises to the contemplation of truth". And he's right! Think about it. We have all met  people who are on either side of the spectrum. In one corner, we have the person who relies only on faith while rejecting social and scientific proofs to the detriment of his own knowledge, and in the other corner we have the staunch atheistic whack-job who relies only on quantifiable data with no belief that there could possibly be anything more that what it laid before him. Both are angry and defensive, and the irony is that the more one drifts to one end or the the other, the more he thinks that he is rational while everyone else is crazy.

So where does this dualistic notion of investigation leave us? It leaves us stranded between two camps, feeling as if we need to choose between faith or science to answer our deep and burning questions. Well here's a lifeline my dear friend. You don't need to choose!

Gregor Mendel: Father of Genetics

The Church has always said that as long as we are seeking truth, we are seeking God. In fact, that's why the Catholic Church has been the largest patron of education in all of human history, and why many of the most famous and influential scientists have been faithful Catholics. That's right, as Gregor Mendel (a monk) was developing the basic laws of genetics, he was searching the face of God. As were Roger Bacon (a friar) when he developed the scientific method, and Nicolas Claude Fabri de Peiresc (an abbot) when he discovered the Orion Nebula. They used their reason to make great leaps in science which only deepened their faith when they sought truth in prayer and in the sacraments. These were balanced men who rose to a greater knowledge of truth through the investigation of both empirical science and religious devotion. How else can one delve into things unseen and undiscovered without faith that there is something greater than what is known?

Now, many atheists will say that the Church is against science. To that I blow an enormous and audible raspberry. I challenge them to look up the lives of the men I mentioned above as well as this list for more information. The most famous objection, of course, is the fact that Galileo was forced to recant his findings by the Church. They will also mention that the Church never officially apologized to Galileo until 1992. To that I say, our bad for the mix up, now get over it. We had bigger and more important things to worry about than Galileo's feelings.

The point is, don't be discouraged by factions of atheists and religious alike who would tell you that you must choose between religion and science, between faith and reason. In order to truly find ourselves and answer the deep questions of our hearts we need both. We need to understand how the world works. It has the potential to increase our faith in a Creator who put so much detail in the universe to be discovered and investigated. However, we have to have an understanding that we are not the be all end all. There is a God who has put within us a desire to know truth; to know him. We can have faith in a God that reveals his own beauty and intricacy in understandable and quantifiable ways while still expanding beyond them into infinity. Hopefully with our faith and reason developed and unfolded, we can answer Pilates inquiry and point to what is really true and what is really good.

Joseph, model of manhood, pray for us
God, Father in Heaven, bless us

Boys Will Be Boys...

Recently, there has been a lot of talk about gun violence. The tragedy in Aurora, CO, and the most recent incident in Newtown, CT have left people reeling and have resulted in everything from a call for a stricter set of rules on gun ownership to more widespread access to public mental health care. All of these are legitimate points of view, and this issue must be handled with care in order to protect our children, our freedoms, and indeed, our country.

This post is not meant to address gun control or mental health. I am not calling for stricter or looser gun control, nor am I supporting either side of the gun issue. What I hope to point out is a disturbing trend that I think is being overlooked by many experts, and goes beyond the simple issue of who can or cannot buy a gun. I think that the violence that we are seeing is a symptom of a more fundamental issue that we in the western world are afraid to address.

The fact is that in every major incident of violence in the last ten years, at least every one that has been widely publicized, the perpetrators have been young males in their late teens to mid-twenties. This is a significant statistic given that, according to mentalhealth.org, when it comes to mental illness, even violent mental illness, women are diagnosed and treated almost twice as frequently as men (29% percent as opposed to 17%).

This would suggest that there is another factor that supersedes mental illness that pushes these men to violence. And lets be honest, there is no shortage of disadvantages presented to boys and young men in today's society.  Over 40% of American children have parents who are divorced, and 20-25% of those kids show signs of not dealing well with the change. Of single parents with kids under 18, 85% are single mothers with children who do not have regular contact with their fathers, and 45% of those women were never married in the first place. Considering these statistics as well as the fact that boys are more likely to be physically and/or sexually abused, we start to see a frightening picture of the context in which our boys are growing up.

But even all of these factors do not fully account for the fact that all the major school violence incidents have been perpetrated by young men. There remains one major detail that is overlooked more than any other. In our post-modern pharmacological society WE ARE NOT LETTING OUR BOYS BE BOYS.  In fact, we're trying to turn our boys into girls.

Now, before you get on my case about somehow being sexist, think about it.  All the behaviors that young boys exhibit that distinguish them from their female classmates are being forcibly suppressed. Whether it be rougher play, tactile exploration, louder volumes, higher levels of energy, or even playing with trucks and guns over dolls and princesses, we are taking healthy behavior and telling our young boys that its wrong.

Don't believe me? Let's look at the facts. As of 2010, 52 million children aged 3-17 were diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). 12% of all of boys in the United States were diagnosed similarly. Most if not all of these were prescribed Ritalin. We're also prescribing antidepressants to boys as early as preschool nearly 400% more frequently than just a few years ago. Not to mention the myriad of other drugs such as Aderol being used by adolescents to focus, as well as the increasing amounts of human growth hormone (HGH) in the water and our meat. This heavy drug influx has been connected to rising rates of suicide among teens and young adults as well as deepening depression throughout life.

So answer me this: Is there really a problem with all of these children, or are we simply finding a problem just because we have looked for one? I don't think these boys are disordered. I think they are just being boys.

We have also seen a trend among parents today who are trying to change the behavior of their children through negative reinforcement of what they call "gendered behavior". All of this is in the attempt to stop our children from being "forced" into gender roles in our society, but it runs the risk of doing away with any gender identity at all. This is not a good thing, and it does not work in the long run.

Take, for example, the story of David Reimer, who was raised as a girl after a botched circumcision. His parents followed the ideas of sociologist, Dr John Money, who thought that nurture was more powerful than nature, and that boys could be raised as girls if the parents so chose. He was wrong. David, raised Brenda, still thought, acted, played, and reasoned as a boy, despite the use of sex hormones and sex reassignment surgery.  He did eventually began to live as a man of his own volition, but tragically committed suicide at the age of 38. As it turned out, the majority of Dr Money's subjects who underwent the same process ended their lives as well.

Now, I admit, this is an extreme example, but there are still parents who encourage their little boys to dress as girls and to do more feminine things, and when the other children at school notice, they are taken aside and told that they need to be comfortable with this choice.

Only genderless person I've ever seen... Just sayin'

Now here is where I may make my sociology professors angry. I'm here to say that this way of living and raising your children is ill-conceived. Boys are boys. Period. Their masculinity, however juvenile, is not simply some external characteristic that can be changed willy-nilly. Nor is it some state of mind that can be adjusted with the right mix of drugs and negative reinforcement. Their gender is not socially constructed. In fact, the fact that they are genetically XY penetrates every aspect of their being, from their brain chemistry and how rough they play, to how they relate with others and what kinds of things they will eventually come to enjoy or despise.

So, instead of trying to intervene and stopping our children from identifying or acting out who they are as young boys, we actually make a concerted effort to invest in our children and actually show them what it means to be a real man. I would be willing to bet that those poor souls who took the live of others or their own lives in acts of gun violence in Connecticut or Colorado didn't have the kind of positive support from male role models that they needed. Maybe they were mentally unbalanced, but how were they helped? Were they encouraged and told that they were cared about, or were they simply given drugs with no other type of support? We can't simply blame teachers or cruel classmates. Nor can we look at young boys who are acting out as being diseased. We need positive male role models who will man up and teach their children what it is to be a man and deal with their problems.

Away with this pablum of a gender neutral society. Show what it is to be a man in service to others. Show what it is to develop virtue not only towards others, but in relation to oneself. Encourage other men to invest in people and help them to grow. It doesn't matter if they are your own age or if they are a child. Take the time to develop your own masculinity by helping someone else develop theirs. We can only speculate, but I bet those gunmen would have benefited from such a simple act of love. Hopefully we can take steps toward preventing such acts in the future.

St Joseph, model of manliness, pray for us
God in Heaven, bless us