Marriage and Relationships: A Commentary on a Commentary

Today's post is a commentary in response to a fascinating discussion that I stumbled upon recently. Father Robert Barron is a phenomenal priest who does amazing work and ministry throughout the world, including a series of YouTube clips in which he comments on pop culture, Catholic teaching, and moral issues. In this particular video, he comments on the idea of marriage by posing a very particular question: Why get married in the Church? What follows is a commentary on the subject that forces the viewer to shift his/her idea of marriage from what he calls a "shared egotism" to a communal and missionary entity.

There are a couple of points on which I would like to expand. The first being the idea of the relationship with a "transcendent third" that must exist in order to prevent a friendship or romantic relationship from devolving into "shared egotism", that is, from becoming so focused on the development of the love between the two, that it shuts out all others and becomes it's own end. In situations such as these, where there is nothing that draws the pair out of themselves , the two must lean completely on each other for growth and support, and this leads to the eventual implosion of a relationship that was not built on something solid to being with. On the other hand, when there exists a transcendent third, relationships are able to grow from a shared foundation and reach for a higher standard. In a way, the transcendent third, which supports the relationship while at the same time going beyond the limitations of the two persons, represents a source and summit from which the couple can both build and reach. It is this striving for God within relationships that strengthens the bond of love and helps it to take root. It also forces the couple to look beyond their own shared experience of love and into the needs of others, allowing the relationship to take on a missionary aspect.

This is why, as Fr. Barron puts is, the love between two people is not a reason to get married within the Church. If two people only wanted to be married because they love one another, they could go to a courthouse or to a drive-through wedding chapel. Marriage is not simply a way to publicly profess mutual love. While this is indeed an essential element, to be married in the Church is to say that God has called the two of you together in order to encourage one another in a relationship with himself, and toward the salvation of you. Not only that, but to get married in the Church professes a commitment to a mutual mission to which both have been called, and neither could complete alone.

This element of mission is even further educated by Paul's exhortation that wives be submissive to their husbands, and that husbands love their wives as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:22-25). This widely misunderstood passage simply states that spouses be under the same mission (sub-under, missio-mission), and that they love each other as Christ loved, giving his entire self for the good of his bride.

We can see that the two aspects of the marriage covenant play out inexorably with one another. In order to live out marriage, the two must be under the same mission given to them by God as a unit. At the same time, they must love each other as Christ loves, giving until it hurts, and sacrificing personal good for that of the other. The mission cannot be lived out without sacrificial love, and the love that is given must not be turned inward, but must be focused outward for the good of the couple and of others. Otherwise the mission, and the couple, would devolve and implode.

Marriage is to become a sign of the transcendent God who is at play in every detail. The love of God is not turned inward, but is directed toward the growth and life of his children. The love of God also lives out a mission within a Church to bring peoples to Christ and to bring them into an encounter with the living God. The married couple is meant to model this active and life giving love in order to bring God to the world, and bring the world to God.

So, we must ask ourselves, what is the mission that God wants my marriage (or future marriage) to live out? What is the need in this world that my marriage will fulfill? How will I love my spouse or future spouse and lead them to the God who simultaneously calls us together and calls us to action? As Fr Barron so deftly demonstrates, marriage within the Church brings with it a commission and commitment. The role of all married persons is to live out elements with love and faith in the God who is both foundation and summit.

St Joseph, model of manliness, pray for us

Father, God in heaven, bless us.

A Beautiful Day. A Beautiful Beginning.

We love weddings here in America. We really do. And why not? Weddings are awesome! Your friends and family are happy, everyone loves each other for a day, the food is good, there's dancing, and you get a big fat slice of gourmet cake. There is almost no downside! The Church loves weddings too. Two people coming together freely for the sole purpose of giving of themselves as a gift to the other. The wedding marks the beginning a new chapter in the life of the bride and groom, but also in the life of all their family and friends who have assembled to celebrate this occasion with them.

This wedding fever expands far beyond the ceremony itself. We have shows like The Bachelor, Say Yes to the Dress, Bridezillas, Amazing Wedding Cakes, and all other manner of shows that track every aspect of the wedding from the couple's first meeting to the alter and reception. Wedding episodes of other shows end up being the highest rated episodes of the series. Even the stories we tell our kids end up with a couple getting married and living "happily ever after". If you still don't believe me, just look at the cost of every aspect of the wedding, from the dress, to the cake, to the hall, to the music, and the prices that people are willing to pay to put on the perfect ceremony and reception.

There is not doubt that we are obsessed. We are trained to dream of "that special day" from the time that we notice the opposite sex. But at the same time, the divorce rate still hovers around 51% percent in the United States. How can this be? How can a culture that is so in love with weddings be so volatile for marriages? On the flip side, why put so much money and so much dreaming into a wedding that only has a 1 in 2 chance of working out.

The answer is simple: In a culture where 51% of marriages fail, we insist on the perfect wedding in order to ensure that we can at least hold on to one perfect memory.

We're talking about a culture of fear. Marriages are not emphasized or glorified. They are not though of as sacred or holy. The gift of self is thought of as more of a business exchange than a self-giving. We even have pre-nuptial agreements, legal contracts, predicated on the assumption that marriages will end. Is it any shock then that we look forward to weddings instead of marriages? If you are truly afraid of being hurt, why wouldn't you put as much effort as possible into making sure that the one day you control turns out perfectly? The fear of divorce and the cultural wedding obsession have become a self-fulfilling prophecy in which weddings grow and become more extravagant while more and more marriages suffer and die.

Now, I do not think bad thing to love weddings. It is an awesome thing to look forward to taking those vows and celebrating that unity. A couple should look forward to their wedding day in the same way that a seminarian looks forward to his holy orders and a novice sister looks forward to the day she takes her final vows. I am simply saying that we need a shift. 

Stop thinking of a wedding of an end instead of a beginning. A man and a woman are entering into one life and one love together. Use the wedding as a way to look forward. Dream about your future spouse and the life that you can build together. Truly think and pray about the lengths you will go to love your spouse and give of yourself to ensure their happiness and their good. Marriages are supposed to be so strong that only death can part the two. We need to enter marriages with the mindset that we will stay together forever, and we will work to ensure that we do not fail.

 We limit ourselves when we simply get caught up in wedding fever and dream only of the wedding day. The wedding is the start of a sacramental life shared by two people. That is something that is far more exciting than the day it all begins.

St. Joseph, model of mahood, pray for us

Father in heaven, bless us.

How to Discern: A Few Pointers From A Friend

Within Catholic communities, especially young adult groups, the term discernment gets tossed around a lot. "I'm discerning my vocation", "I'm discerning what job to take", "I'm discerning whether or not I should date that girl". It's our way of telling people that we're really taking our time and putting our prayer and reason into making a decision. We're not just thinking, we're discerning. Often times it brings to mind images of solemn people on their knees in a pew with their heads bowed in prayer waiting to hear the next step. To me it also brings to mind the image of stressing over a decision, one that is life or death. "I'm discerning this, so I better not get it wrong!"

Nowhere, in my experience, is this more true than in the realm of vocational discernment. And why not? If God really has one vocation for me, I want to know where I'm going! And how do I figure that out? I had better think long and hard about it. I really feel like I should get married, or is that just what I want? What does God want? Should I be a priest? I don't really feel like it, but maybe I'm not open enough? How do I get more open? What does open even mean? I want one thing so that must mean that God wants the opposite! That guy on retreat told me that God laughs at our plans, why is he laughing! I don't know what to do! I can't get this wrong! I only have one shot! If I get it wrong my life is ruined!!! AH!! ... Oh hey that girl is pretty, I feel called to date her now.

Sound familiar? Welcome to the mind of many a young Catholic man. We want to know what God wants, but we don't know how to get there. So, instead of really discerning, we just stress ourselves into oblivion. Don't get me wrong. We need to take our time to discern and pray about what God is truly calling us to, and this may take the form of frantic prayer at times, but if we are truly discerning, the Lord is going to guide us. We should be able to find peace and joy in the discernment process. If you 're angry or in turmoil about it, you're probably doing it wrong.

So here are a few pointers from a guy who is also trying to figure his life out. Hopefully they help you along your path of discernment.

- Know What You're Really Ready For- I work for a great priest. He'll remain nameless here, suffice to say that he has helped me on many occasion simply by speaking a few words. Once, when I was 18, I was stressing about what my vocation was supposed to be, and I just had to know. It was like God had a secret that I wasn't in on, and I wanted the scoop. So I asked Father what I should do and how I could know what I was called to. He looked at me for a second before asking, "Do you think you're ready to be married tomorrow?", to which I responded, "Oh gosh, no! I'm only 18!". He laughed and told me, "If you're not ready to commit to a vocation at this moment, you probably don't need to know". And he was right. Guys, don't discern something unless you're really ready to know the answer and ACT on it. The Lord reveal things when we are truly ready, and that includes when we are actually ready to pursue the calling. Often times we just want to know our future vocation for no other reason than to glimpse our future. This is pride gentlemen. Live in the moment, not in the future. If you are not ready in the moment, then you have other things you could be working on.

- One Thing at a Time- All too often, I hear my friends who are in relationships talk about whether or not they are called to be a priest. These are holy guys who just want to follow the Lords plan for their life, but their focus is more on the ends than their current situation. As a result, they end up discerning the wrong thing. If you are in a relationship, it is unfair to your significant other to be discerning another vocation. To discern means putting your energy and focus into one thing to determine whether or not you are called to continue or to abandon that particular endeavor. If you are dating someone, it means that you are discerning whether or not that person is supposed to be your spouse. To have your mind on priesthood while dating her would be unfair. It would be the same as a seminarian who is studying for the priesthood to take a girl out on a date. It simply doesn't work. He would be discerning two vocations at once, which would be unfair to both. He would need to fully apply himself to one in order to see if he was called to it or not. Then he could know whether or not to consider the other. If you are dating someone, consider yourself in the "seminary of her". Put your effort into praying about her, with her, and for her. Get to know her. Find out who she is, what she believes, and why she believes it. What does she hope for? Where is God taking her? Approach your relationship the same way seminarians approach their studies: with awe, humility, and openness. That way, even if you come to the realization that she is not the one, you gave her a fair chance and made an informed decision. Any other way is simply half-hearted commitment.

- Don't Go At It Alone- Often times we think that our discernment is just between us and God. That is simply untrue. In order to fully discern something, you need to talk to other people. Talk to a priest about seminary. Talk to married people about dating. Talk to a monk or sister about novitiate. Notice that I said married people, and not dating or single, and that I said priest, not seminarian. Talk to someone who has sealed the deal! They are the ones who have fully discerned and taken the leap or faith. They have made public vows saying that that have discerned the decision through, and they are living with the results. They know more than your friends! Also, find a spiritual director. A priest, deacon, or religious person who knows you and can offer an honest assessment of how you are doing, and what you should be doing. Let them guide you. Listen to what they have to say. They know more than you! If you allow yourself to be guided by trusted leaders, you will not go astray.

- Pray, Pray, Pray- Let me ask you... how many of the things that you "discern" do you really take to prayer? I'm not talking quick mentions here and there. I mean real prayer. Do you ask questions? Do you allow them to be answered? Do you just talk and talk? Do you even want to know the answers? Every step along the way of discernment should be rooted in prayer. Pray about whether to discern something in the first place. Pray about the next step. Pray about continuing. Pray about concerns. Pray about things that you're excited about. If you are truly called to something, you will notice two things. First, the things that you are called to will stay constant. If you are really meant to do something, the Lord will keep putting the same thing on your heart for a long time. Don't be afraid to take your time. Discernment always yields results just as you need an answer and never sooner. Just take a breath and stop thinking that your vocational discernment is an episode of 24. Secondly, if you are really called to something, you will be at peace about it. It may scare the poo out of you, but it will be peaceful. You will know if it is the right thing. Trust me. Bring prayer into every aspect of discernment, and you will not go wrong. I can promise you that.

I hope this helped to shed some light on some worries you're been having. If you have any questions  feel free to comment below. Otherwise, just remember that our God does not keep secrets. He simply takes his time to reveal his plans. That time may seem like an eternity to us, but we will find out the answers we need when we are ready to hear them. As it says in Jeremiah 29:11 " I know well the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for your woe, so as to give you a future full of hope."

Joseph, model of manhood, pray for us
God, Father in heaven, bless us