Marriage and Relationships: A Commentary on a Commentary

Today's post is a commentary in response to a fascinating discussion that I stumbled upon recently. Father Robert Barron is a phenomenal priest who does amazing work and ministry throughout the world, including a series of YouTube clips in which he comments on pop culture, Catholic teaching, and moral issues. In this particular video, he comments on the idea of marriage by posing a very particular question: Why get married in the Church? What follows is a commentary on the subject that forces the viewer to shift his/her idea of marriage from what he calls a "shared egotism" to a communal and missionary entity.

There are a couple of points on which I would like to expand. The first being the idea of the relationship with a "transcendent third" that must exist in order to prevent a friendship or romantic relationship from devolving into "shared egotism", that is, from becoming so focused on the development of the love between the two, that it shuts out all others and becomes it's own end. In situations such as these, where there is nothing that draws the pair out of themselves , the two must lean completely on each other for growth and support, and this leads to the eventual implosion of a relationship that was not built on something solid to being with. On the other hand, when there exists a transcendent third, relationships are able to grow from a shared foundation and reach for a higher standard. In a way, the transcendent third, which supports the relationship while at the same time going beyond the limitations of the two persons, represents a source and summit from which the couple can both build and reach. It is this striving for God within relationships that strengthens the bond of love and helps it to take root. It also forces the couple to look beyond their own shared experience of love and into the needs of others, allowing the relationship to take on a missionary aspect.

This is why, as Fr. Barron puts is, the love between two people is not a reason to get married within the Church. If two people only wanted to be married because they love one another, they could go to a courthouse or to a drive-through wedding chapel. Marriage is not simply a way to publicly profess mutual love. While this is indeed an essential element, to be married in the Church is to say that God has called the two of you together in order to encourage one another in a relationship with himself, and toward the salvation of you. Not only that, but to get married in the Church professes a commitment to a mutual mission to which both have been called, and neither could complete alone.

This element of mission is even further educated by Paul's exhortation that wives be submissive to their husbands, and that husbands love their wives as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:22-25). This widely misunderstood passage simply states that spouses be under the same mission (sub-under, missio-mission), and that they love each other as Christ loved, giving his entire self for the good of his bride.

We can see that the two aspects of the marriage covenant play out inexorably with one another. In order to live out marriage, the two must be under the same mission given to them by God as a unit. At the same time, they must love each other as Christ loves, giving until it hurts, and sacrificing personal good for that of the other. The mission cannot be lived out without sacrificial love, and the love that is given must not be turned inward, but must be focused outward for the good of the couple and of others. Otherwise the mission, and the couple, would devolve and implode.

Marriage is to become a sign of the transcendent God who is at play in every detail. The love of God is not turned inward, but is directed toward the growth and life of his children. The love of God also lives out a mission within a Church to bring peoples to Christ and to bring them into an encounter with the living God. The married couple is meant to model this active and life giving love in order to bring God to the world, and bring the world to God.

So, we must ask ourselves, what is the mission that God wants my marriage (or future marriage) to live out? What is the need in this world that my marriage will fulfill? How will I love my spouse or future spouse and lead them to the God who simultaneously calls us together and calls us to action? As Fr Barron so deftly demonstrates, marriage within the Church brings with it a commission and commitment. The role of all married persons is to live out elements with love and faith in the God who is both foundation and summit.

St Joseph, model of manliness, pray for us

Father, God in heaven, bless us.

A Beautiful Day. A Beautiful Beginning.

We love weddings here in America. We really do. And why not? Weddings are awesome! Your friends and family are happy, everyone loves each other for a day, the food is good, there's dancing, and you get a big fat slice of gourmet cake. There is almost no downside! The Church loves weddings too. Two people coming together freely for the sole purpose of giving of themselves as a gift to the other. The wedding marks the beginning a new chapter in the life of the bride and groom, but also in the life of all their family and friends who have assembled to celebrate this occasion with them.

This wedding fever expands far beyond the ceremony itself. We have shows like The Bachelor, Say Yes to the Dress, Bridezillas, Amazing Wedding Cakes, and all other manner of shows that track every aspect of the wedding from the couple's first meeting to the alter and reception. Wedding episodes of other shows end up being the highest rated episodes of the series. Even the stories we tell our kids end up with a couple getting married and living "happily ever after". If you still don't believe me, just look at the cost of every aspect of the wedding, from the dress, to the cake, to the hall, to the music, and the prices that people are willing to pay to put on the perfect ceremony and reception.

There is not doubt that we are obsessed. We are trained to dream of "that special day" from the time that we notice the opposite sex. But at the same time, the divorce rate still hovers around 51% percent in the United States. How can this be? How can a culture that is so in love with weddings be so volatile for marriages? On the flip side, why put so much money and so much dreaming into a wedding that only has a 1 in 2 chance of working out.

The answer is simple: In a culture where 51% of marriages fail, we insist on the perfect wedding in order to ensure that we can at least hold on to one perfect memory.

We're talking about a culture of fear. Marriages are not emphasized or glorified. They are not though of as sacred or holy. The gift of self is thought of as more of a business exchange than a self-giving. We even have pre-nuptial agreements, legal contracts, predicated on the assumption that marriages will end. Is it any shock then that we look forward to weddings instead of marriages? If you are truly afraid of being hurt, why wouldn't you put as much effort as possible into making sure that the one day you control turns out perfectly? The fear of divorce and the cultural wedding obsession have become a self-fulfilling prophecy in which weddings grow and become more extravagant while more and more marriages suffer and die.

Now, I do not think bad thing to love weddings. It is an awesome thing to look forward to taking those vows and celebrating that unity. A couple should look forward to their wedding day in the same way that a seminarian looks forward to his holy orders and a novice sister looks forward to the day she takes her final vows. I am simply saying that we need a shift. 

Stop thinking of a wedding of an end instead of a beginning. A man and a woman are entering into one life and one love together. Use the wedding as a way to look forward. Dream about your future spouse and the life that you can build together. Truly think and pray about the lengths you will go to love your spouse and give of yourself to ensure their happiness and their good. Marriages are supposed to be so strong that only death can part the two. We need to enter marriages with the mindset that we will stay together forever, and we will work to ensure that we do not fail.

 We limit ourselves when we simply get caught up in wedding fever and dream only of the wedding day. The wedding is the start of a sacramental life shared by two people. That is something that is far more exciting than the day it all begins.

St. Joseph, model of mahood, pray for us

Father in heaven, bless us.

Death to Ugg Boots: Fashion and Laziness

I mean, I WAS awesome

When I was little, one of my favorite things to do was to play what we called "Be People" games. Whether it would be X-men, Power Rangers, professional wrestlers, or acting like characters from a favorite movie or TV show, my little friends and I would do everything we could to "be" the person we were representing. Sometimes we just made things up. We created heroes and personas in our prepubescent brains that excited us and made us feel like the superheroes we wanted to be. Freaking cool right?

This endeavor was only made more epic when we found some sheets in the basement or stick in the woods that we could use as a sort of prop to make the whole thing more real. Our character had a look. We could dress like them. We could act like them. For all intents and purposes, we could be them.

I've never lost that idea, that I could be the person that I have made in my mind. He's not some warrior or superhero, but he is a good man. Everything I do is, in a way, an effort try to bring that character to life; to become this man of virtue. So, I act in a certain way. I dress in a certain way. I take on the values that this man in my mind has that I want. I try to be him in my interactions with others, because they deserve him. I try and try and, slowly but surely, and by the grace of the Father, I am becoming him.

So, when I see the girl on campus or in one of my classes who consistently shows up in a hoodie and yoga pants, or the guy who wears his basketball shorts around as a sort of all-purpose wear, I have to wonder, who are they trying to be? Maybe their characters are constantly on their way to the gym. Maybe it's always laundry day. Maybe Ionly catch them on a day off. Who can really know?

What I do know is this: as a man, when I see an otherwise lovely girl in class dressed as if she doesn't care, all I can think is that she's lazy or that she doesn't doesn't really have a lot of self respect. The same goes for guys in shorts and a dirty sweatshirt. I don't care what team you support or what stain you think is unnoticeable. Put some pants on!

I've thought a lot about this, and the slow decline into slovenliness when it comes to the way we dress is kind of shocking. We're more concerned with comfort than with what our appearances say about who we are. More worried about time then we are about where we're going. I don't mean to say that we should be overly concerned with our appearances or what other people think. That's called pride. But for goodness sake, respect yourself enough to show that you care!

Now, I know that I'm just another man. I don't know the ins and outs of fashion, I don't have an extensive wardrobe, and I'm not proud to say that I have indeed picked up a shirt, sniffed it, and decided that it was good for one more wear. However, I can tell you that I try to look like I care when I dress myself. I try to present myself in a way that speaks positively about me. And, thankfully for everyone else, I threw that shirt in the laundry where it belonged.

So, for both men and women, I've figured out some general rules that will help you out. This is not a dos and donts of fashion. Consider this more of a "Don't Look Like a Bum Seminar". I will try to be as much of an equal opportunity offender as possible, but if I seem more heavy handed for the women, it's only because you're more perfect than us men, and greater power comes with greater responsibility.

So without further ado, here are Perry's General Rules For Not Looking Homeless.

The Outer Reflects the Inner: 
Let's face it, there's a reason we care about what others think. We're afraid of being judged for things that we find shameful and proud to be considered honorable or admirable in some way. This is because we know innately that the day to day behaviors and appearances that we put forward are seen and evaluated, and it reflects back on us as a person. This is because, no matter how hard we try, the things we do and say reflect something about our inmost self. It is no different for the way we dress.

A woman who honestly cares about being looked on in a creepy or lustful way dresses as to prevent it. Someone who really doesn't care at all about how they are seen will dress as such. Someone who really values the people or the places that they are encountering will take time to show this respectin how they dress (more on this aspect later).

So, when deciding between comfort and effort, stop choosing the easy way out every time. Ladies, instead of yoga pants, or those God-forsaken leggings which ARE NOT PANTS, throw on a pair of jeans. Instead of sandals, gentlemen, tie your freakin' shoes. Wear a button up, or at least a clean hoodie, instead of the same t-shirt. When you actually put a moment of effort into how you looks it shows people that you care about yourself. It shows people that you're confident. It shows people that you are actually trying to be a functioning member of society. Step it up and start caring.

Modest is Hottest (Really!):
Spring sucks at George Mason, and here's why: it's like there's a shortage of cloth all of a sudden. Necklines get lower and shorts and skirts get higher. It's like we're doing all we can to cover the central 2 feet of our bodies to the detriment of our tops and bottoms. This goes for guys too. Sun's out, guns out? Really? You're that proud of your freckly farmers tan and scraggly pit-hair? No thank you.

Like I said above, how we dress is a reflection on who we are. If you dress immodestly or over-sexually, you are going to be objectified. Period. It's not just the fault of the person who is looking. It's not the responsibility of other people to avert their eyes. It's on you. There is a level of responsibility on other people's part to look away when they see you dressed inappropriately, but it's your responsibility not to make it difficult.  Don't dress to accentuate parts of your body that you don't want people to stare at.

Gross...

Protect yourself and respect yourself! you are not just some piece of meat to be ogled or some canvas on which to paint as little clothing as possible. Men, you're not the center of the world or a statue to be admired. You're also not the greatest thing in the world, so stop thinking you are. If you cover up, it actually tells people that you think you have layers worth penetrating and secrets worth keeping. If you don't dress like you think you should be carved in marble, people might actually think you have something concrete to offer. It's an attractive thing if you can pull back. It's beautiful thing if you show that you care about how people see you. It's a holy thing to love others by loving and respecting yourself in the right way.

Context:
The way you dress also shows us what you honestly think about the people you encounter and the places you go. If you dress like a bum in class, you show that you don't think anyone else there really deserves the respect shown by putting real clothes on. If you wear jeans to Sunday mass, you show that you don't believe your God is worth dressing up for.

This goes for all public outings. It doesn't matter if it's dinner, the movies, or coffee with friends. Your appearance shows others what you think of others. It's why lawyers wear suits to work and why priests wear clerics. It's why your professors dress up and why we put effort into who we look on dates. We want to show that we give a hoot. We want to show that we take the other people or the the situation seriously. It's our responsibility to show respect in every aspect of life, including appearance. It doesn't take a lot, maybe just a shave or  some jeans without holes.

A Special Note to Women:
Ladies, I wanted to take a second to highlight you. This is mainly a blog about manhood, but if you're reading this, I thank you and ask you to please take some advice from a kindhearted man who cares about you.  You are more perfect than us. God created you last, and gave you abilities and strengths than no man could ever dream of. He told us to serve you and to protect you, and even though we fail, many of us make an honest effort everyday to show you what you're worth. Take the following as a an attempt at protection and encouragement.

Modest. Beautiful. Attractive.

It is an attractive thing to see a woman who puts effort into how she looks. When you carry yourself with poise, grace, confidence, and modesty, it makes us want to be around you. Not simply for the chance to take you on a date, but for the opportunity to know you as person and to be enlightened by your company. On the other hand, it turns us away to see a woman without respect for herself. It certainly doesn't make us respect her any more. When we see you wear Ugg boots or leggings to class instead of real shoes or pants, it brings to mind laziness. Its not that they are immodest or even ugly, it's just that you're gorgeous and could do so much better for yourself.

I understand comfort. Some situations do not demand as much effort. All I'm saying is that we do not simply want to spend time with well dressed and confident women as eye-candy. It really does reveal to us a level of respect you have for yourself that is in itself, attractive. The only shame in seeing you dress lazily is that you so are so beautiful and don't seem to know it; so lovely but unwilling to show it.

In Conclusion...
Remember that these are just general rules from a guy who only has his day to day experience as research. There are extenuating circumstances and these rules don't always apply to every situation. Also remember that we as men are just a bad as dressing lazy, if not worse. I am not innocent either.

Simply remember that it's all about how you see yourself and how you express that to others. respect yourself. Love Yourself. Respect others, and love them too by showing them in all aspects of your life, including dress.

St Joseph, model of manhood, pray for us
God, Father in Heaven, bless us